Contradictions

Last night I had a tough time falling asleep. My mind kept wandering to how my body has contradicted me in the past. For three years I "tried" to conceive without any luck. Then as we were actively involved in the adoption process, I found out I was pregnant. It was such a contradiction of feelings - I was elated to be pregnant and heartbroken to turn my back on a child.
Then my body betrayed me with every pregnancy. Each baby came sooner than the previous sibling, making their arrivals frightening.
Now I am near the end of my 37th year of life and while I've lost weight, more pounds defy me and cling to my body. It's beyond frustrating.
As a child, I enjoyed playing sports but I wasn't overly athletic. I wanted to be a top athlete but my body would not do what I wanted it to and I always hated that about myself.
While I laid there feeling sorry for myself, I started reading Facebook statuses. I came across a posting by my dear friend and it put things back in perspective. She has been fighting cancer with more grace and strength than I could ever imagine having in my soul. She has been my friend since we were both nannies in Minneapolis - almost 20 years ago. Kate has three beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Kate is my friend who drove 3 hours and spent New Year's Eve with us when I felt like my world was shattering around me. She is THAT kind of friend.
Today I am angry and sad, for lack of other words. She is spending the day processing information that another tumor has formed in her brain. I hate cancer. I hate that cancer is in her body and that her body is defying her. I hate this lack of control.

Kansas City mini-vacation

Andrew had a meeting in Kansas City to attend. The boys were still on spring break so we joined him. It was quite an adventure.
We arrived on Monday, April 25th. We walked around the Power & Light district of downtown. Alex was amused by the talking elevator. The kids enjoyed the fountains and I was thrilled to try a beer sampler at the restaurant. I don't drink much beer any more so it was a real treat to have some on vacation.
On Tuesday, I took the kids to the Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead. It's a twelve acre farm. The kids LOVED it. They got to see many animals and played on the playgrounds. The best part is that it's free and the lunch that we purchased was affordable - quite a wonderful surprise at a children's attraction. We even went on a hay ride!
Unfortunately, things got very interesting when Lane got daring and went down a long tunnel slide. She landed on her neck and head. I have to admit that it was an awful thing to witness. She stopped sobbing and kept playing. As we were leaving, I noticed her head was bleeding. I asked the people at the farmstead if they had a first aid kit and the woman proceeded to freak me out about head injuries.
On the way back to the hotel, I called our insurance to get information about the ER and Urgent Care. They recommended that I take her to Urgent Care. Looking for UC in a new city is zero fun - thankfully Andrew was done with his meeting and was able to get directions and help me take the kids to UC. The dr thought she was fine and sent us on our way.
We then found Fritz's Railroad restaurant. The kids thought it was really neat to get our food delivered by a train!
The fun continued through the evening when Miss Lane vomited all over me three times. There aren't many more disgusting things than waking up to a child vomiting all over you. Then jumping in the shower and figuring out what to do with the dirty linens at 1 am is a real challenge. What an ending to a mini vacation!

Juggling it All

I don't know how to juggle all of the balls associated with motherhood, friendship, etc... I want to read more, I want to take classes to further my career, I want to continue with my hair bow hobby.
Yes, I LOVE making hair bows! It become a new hobby of mine. I'm not great at it but it's fun. Lane picked out this ribbon and prior to going out to lunch, asked me to make a bow for her. We call them "pretties". It took me a couple minutes to make this one for her.

I want to blog, I want to be a good wife, I want a clean house, I want to educate my children, I want to sit down and play with my children, I want to be a good friend... how in the world do women juggle all of these things? I feel like just getting my children to their therapy appointments exhausts me and takes up the majority of my extra time. I think this will get eaiser as they get older and can entertain themselves more but I don't know - Gabriel has autism and I don't know what that will mean for our future. As it is, I can't take my eyes off him or he runs in another direction.
Then I just want to relax once in a while. Bask in the quietness of doing nothing. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that. I know prior to kids, we would lounge around our pool in Orlando and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were bored though and honestly needed our children and the joy they bring in our lives.
If anyone reads this and has suggestions on how to juggle everything, please let me know. The only advice I've gotten is to learn how to let some things go. I have - all of my hangers aren't color coordinated any more and my house isn't dusted every weekend. Maybe I need to learn to let go of more?

Easter 2011

Granny, Poppy, and Uncle Sam (my family) were here for the Easter weekend. We had a traditional Easter egg hunt and dyed eggs. The kids were classicaly cute during the Egg hunt. (my camera is broken so I'm waiting to add photos when I snag them from my dad) Even Laney had fun picking plastic eggs up from the front yard.
We took everyone to STARS to show them Gabriel's horse. Gabriel was very proud to tell Granny and Poppy about "his" horse Peanut.
We had a very untraditional meal since we don't eat much meat, let alone ham. Andrew grilled fish for all us - yummy!
On Saturday, we took a trip to Sioux Falls. We went to the park to show everyone the falls. It was a cold day but unlike a trip in the past, we were prepared. We also walked around downtown where I bought a fun red shirt for myself. :) Somehow the kids got a large bag of candy despite the Easter bunny's arrival the next day.
Andrew and I got a couple hours away to a nice dinner together. How rare! Apparently we came home too early because everyone was wide awake and still playing at 9:30. It was wonderful to see the kids enchanted by their grandparents. Alex and Lane showed off their dancing skills as well. I will have to get their dancing on video soon.

Westwood Nursing Home

Once a month I take the kids to Westwood Nursing home. The activity director shares an activity with us and the residets. I leave there feeling like I've done something valuable with my time. The kids enjoy going and call the residents "grandmas and grandpas."
Alex got two rides with "grandpa" Jim and later told me that "grandpa" Jim is his best friend.

Laney and Leah were little musicians on Monday. It is adorable to watch Lane and Leah interact with each other.

Daddy Daughter

Andrew has taken Lane for Daddy-Daughter photos last year and this year. Last year he went a bit overboard when ordered his photos. I couldn't complain because we have a ton of poses to choose from and we can't get that moment in time back except by looking at photos. I'm not sure what we will do with all the photos but I'm sure we'll figure out something through the upcoming years.
This year Andrew only purchased the $10 package. We still have a ton of photos but only one pose. I think he choose a great one - it shows Lane as she is at this age and the intimate relationship they have...I'm thrilled to see the two of them together. I anticipate a relationship that will continue to be filled with love and laughter. These yearly photos will be a reminder of that relationship.

Days 4 and 5 of Single Parenting

Days 4 and 5 of single parenting went well. I saw every hour on the clock since none of the children could stay asleep. That made accomplishing anything difficult but I managed.
Day 4 was busy which helped because I could have slept anywhere. Lane and I went to a Volunteer lunch at the Holiday Inn. We had a nice time talking to the other volunteers who go to Westwood Nursing home.
We picked Alexander up early from PreK to take him to TK registration. Despite taking time to explain to Alex what would happen at registration, he cried when he went with the other kids to the TK room. Later he sobbed and told me that he was sad that he wasn't in the same school with Gabriel. It was awful to try to comfort him. Later, the babysitter came to watch Alex and Lane while I took Gabriel to horseback riding. He LOVES it. He gets so excited that he has a tough time waiting his turn to get on the horse. He is riding Peanut in this photo, a much smaller horse than the last two times. The other horse is named Royal. Peanut is more "bouncy" than the other horse which seemed to be more challenging for Gabriel.
Day 5 consisted of taking the boys to school and then meeting friends at Panera for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. What a treat! I truly enjoy my playgroup friends and their children. We went with Sarah Bradbury and her daughter to Bomgaards to see the chicks, ducklings, and bunnies. Lane was terrified of the bunnies while Leah, 2 months younger, was thrilled with them.
We went to the Swanger's house to make bows. It was so nice to chat with my friend while the girls played. Gabriel had aquatic therapy at Four Seasons so Alex, Lane, and I worked on a "welcome home" sign for Andrew. It was a wonderful day!