Uncomfortably Numb

In two days we will be sitting in a hospital while our son has major surgery.  The benefits outweigh the risks and in my heart I know Gabriel will come out of this feeling better. I still struggle with the emotions and stress surrounding the situation. 

I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager  I am open about it but I don't tell everyone because depression still has a stigma.  Ive heard other people make comments about themselves or other people. They say things like, "if they would just get off their tush and do something, they will be fine."  "If they look at their blessings, they will see that their world isn't so bad."   These statements, while well intentioned, only isolate the person with depression more.  

I am numb.  With this numbness, I've been worried that I would have crippling depression and we do not have time for depression to hit with a furry right now.  Numb didn't seem to be the correct word.  I still feel things.  I just can't move or stop staring at my handsome little man cub.  Numb wasn't the right word at all 

Another Chiarian mom used the word paralyzed.  Yes, paralyzed is more appropriate.  I am paralyzed with fear.  I am scared out of my mind about the  uncertainty that lies in the days ahead.  I lack control the minute I give Gabriel a last hug and kiss on Tuesday morning.  

I also have a problem asking for help.  I'm a caregiver at heart. I want to help when I'm able to do so.  It's just who I am. Asking for help is a humbling experience for me and one that fills me with gratitude. It isn't easy because I don't want to inconvenience or take advantage of anyone.  I know I will never be able to repay everyone.  Honestly, I hope I will never see my friends in a situation where I will need to step in to help in the same way. 

We have had numerous offers for help for the next three weeks.   We have child care, meals, cleaning, grocery shopping, dog walks, child rides, hospital visits and more covered by our friends and community.  I have friends sending things from out of state.  I have offers for skype and even an offer to fly here. 

I didn't realize how loved we are here In Florida and across the states, until we had such a challenging event present itself.  Thank you for the prayers and the help.  We will never be able to express our gratitude enough.