When Did You Know?

I often get asked "when did you know your son has autism?". This isn't a tough question for me to answer but it requires an entire background story because his official label/diagnosis wasn't received until he was 5 years old. He is now 7.
Gabriel developed normally and on track. He walked at 14 months. Though later than many of my friend's children, he was still within the realm of normal. It was right before his brother was born at 20 months that I started to notice differences between him and other children the same age.
I remember sitting at the computer with newborn Alex in my arms and shaking bcause I kept clicking on autism as an answer to Gabriel's behavior. Gabriel pushed the kitchen chairs and table over repeatedly. He didn't play with toys very long and needed constant attention. It seemed like he could cut off his head and wouldn't notice any pain.
Other people told me he was just a boy and to wait it out. He would catch up. This was especially comforting from other parents who have children with autism. Surely they must know. I called Andrew to the computer that night and cried. He cried but reassured me that Gabriel couldn't have autism. It didn't quite fit.
Remember, my background is in child psychology so I know enough to scare the crap out of myself but not enough to diagnose my children. I continued to have that nagging feeling so I contacted the local county program to evaluate him. I also contacted two therapists to evaluate him.
The final diagnosis was a speech delay and SPD - sensory processing disorder. Gabriel had just been diagnosed with a heart issue a few months prior which made everything seem overwhelming but it seemed MUCH better than an autism diagnosis. I would take it and run with it.
I took Gabriel to speech and occupational therapy several times a week in Miami. Therapists also came to the house and everyone reassured me that they didn't see any signs of autism. He would catch up and be a typical, normally developing boy.
When Gabriel was 3, we moved to Iowa and he entered the preschool program there. When he was 5, I took Gabriel to our pediatrician for his wellness check-up. He took his time observing Gabriel. He was patient with me. He was patient with Gabriel. I was oblivious. The pediatrician looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "we need to refer him for an evaluation."
What? What kind of evaluation? I broke down and sobbed. Here it was - exactly what I had feared for the last three years. But everyone, even professionals, had reassured me that I was wrong. Gabriel didn't have autism. That scary A word.
I called his occupational therapist and told her we would be making an appointment and asked her if she thought he had autism. She told me that it was possible. I sobbed.
The best advice she gave me - even with the label, he is the same boy. The same child who can get help from school and professionals if he gets that label.
It was at that moment that I KNEW he had autism. In my heart and in my gut, I knew we would hear it. I just prayed it wasn't so.
It's been two years since we heard "your son has PDD-NOS. It's on the autistic spectrum." I feel like I'm still grieving. Those six letters (funny how both words have 6 letters - PDDNOS and autism) have changed everything in my world. In our family. In our daily interactions. It's a cloud that follows us everywhere and it won't leave. I hope that when I think about this again in two years, it won't be as painful.