AUTISM, I still hate you.

Today has been a day when I didn't think I could handle autism. In fact, today I hate it. I genuinely hate what autism does to my son and his interactions with the world. I hate how much he has to struggle and work on things to function.
I need respite care for him for an hour. Just one hour of me sitting and composing myself without the yelling and screaming he's doing today. An hour away from him blowing snot all over himself and trying to make himself vomit. Just one hour... one hour to decompress without worry. That won't happen. So instead, I will write here and take a few minutes away while he yells in the other room.
I've learned that yelling and scrambled thoughts are his way of dealing with stress. Any time he is anxious or stressed, I can guarantee verbal outbursts. I refer to it as "verbal stimming" though I'm unsure what a "professional" would call it.
Think about the parent who deals with a colicky baby. It becomes nearly impossible to remain calm. It is an incredible challenge to ignore hour after hour of screaming nonsense.
As I type this, he is yelling at me and calling me a clown. That doesn't seem so bad except this has been going on since 7:45 am. It is now 2:30 pm.
So why am I dealing with this "verbal stimming" today? I made the tactical error of taking him to the pediatric ophthalmologist this morning. He was due for his annual appointment. On the way to his appointment, we discussed what would happen and it began his anxiety and intense fear.
I stopped talking to him about his appointment on our hour drive but it didn't calm him. I couldn't win. I thought about cancelling his appointment but 1.I would get charged a late cancellation fee 2. sometimes he is able to change his behavior and calm down for doctors
It didn't happen. I clung to me like an infant in the waiting area. He SCREAMED and YELLED while I talked to the nurse and doctor. He was terrified. When the nurse asked if she could get eye drops in for refraction, I told her that I didn't think it would be possible today. She gave me a strange look and said, "we don't have a problem holding him down." Before I could even think, I responded, "I'm not okay with physical restraint of my child with autism for an elective procedure."
Apparently she didn't like my response and told me that the dr might not see us then. I said, "that's fine, you are not restraining my child and freaking him out for further appointments which we have many every year." She said, "I'll go talk to him but he won't want to even see you." The dr came into the room.
I apologized. For what, I'm not sure but it had been a long hour and a half in the car and then in the waiting room. I think I didn't want someone being rude to my child because I took a stand against physical restraint of my child.
Basically I learned that my Mama Bear has gotten stronger and louder. My patience is being tested beyond all reasonable expectations. I can't make morning dr appointments any more because he can't turn his behavior around for school so I am now listening to him yell all day. Now I'm angry because I spent $50 on a copay to spend the day with a child who I can not console.
Respite care, where the hell are you??!! And AUTISM, I still hate you.