When G-d doesn't Answer....

"Hello G-d, It's me, Jessica..."

I was in such a bad place the past couple weeks that I envisioned dying in my sleep. It has to be the best way to go. G-d didn't answer my plead though because I'm still here.
My chronic pain from sjogrens and fibromyalgia was kicking my tush. Some days I can barely muster the strength to get out of bed, let alone complete the duties of a stay-at-home mother with two special needs children and a very active, inquisitive three year old. My joints feel like they are on fire. My muscles feel like I ran a marathon and I am far from that kind of activity level.
I've tried the conventional medication the doctor gave me. I spent tons of money on copays and vitamins, all to feel worse. I retained water and gained quite a bit of weight. I've researched the two new labels I've been given in the hopes for some relief for the never ending list of ailments but found no answers.
The school that we have loved all year decided to make some mistakes including placing our ASD son in a self-contained ASD unit at another school. If that wasn't against IDEA, it might sound like a reasonable thing to do. We visited the room and it was glorified day care. One child played Little Ponies on the floor while another slept the day away due to his medication. There was nothing on the white walls and several of the children struggled to form sentences. The teacher was lovely but the atmosphere was pathetic and left me with a sad, dull feeling in the pit of my soul. Could the children in that room achieve more if they were given the opportunity?

A battle with the school ensued that included writing several complaints to the state. Many discussions and emails to/from the school and the district showed how many issues we had at the school. I was blissfully happy to ignore them when things were going well with my kids. However, that darn mama bear can't look away when someone messes with my children. She isn't a pretty beast - in fact, she is a persistent bitch who won't let someone screw with her children.
I asked for copies of the boys cumulative folders from the school. There were numerous errors. Honestly, I would think that school personnel would double check the information to make sure it was correct when an obviously disgruntled parent asks for it. The folders included confidential information and data logs that we shouldn't have in our possession. There were inaccurate emails from a past teacher, further evidence of why I didn't care for her.
Gabriel's hospital homebound teacher quit her job because I wrote a complaint against her sister. She had no regard for Gabriel and his needs. He was sad that he didn't see his teacher at school any more and we had to transition to another teacher with only three weeks left of school.
Alex hasn't had an eligibility meeting all school year despite emails and verbal conversations asking for a meeting. I've been so involved in surgery, private evaluations, Gabriel's issues, my pain, and more that I let it go. Until now... again, don't screw with my children.

Alex's medication ran out and he needed more of it. It is a 45 minute drive to the Child Development Center to get the paper script. It take a couple days for the center to write the script and they guarantee the script to be received in the mail within a couple weeks. There was NO way I could wait longer. The poor child was bouncing off the walls. His teacher even wrote to me about how she hasn't seen him behave so poorly.
My 40th birthday was approaching with no definite plans. I was depressed and disappointed that I wasn't having a party. How ridiculous, I know. I'm an adult and I've had enough parties to celebrate the essence of me.
Our current tenants have decided that it isn't their responsibility to pay the utilities or the rent. I am shocked that such irresponsible people exist. I should not be, I know, but even when I was a 19 year old renter, I knew that my rent was due on the first of every month, no matter what. Somehow I found a way to pay our rent, every month, on time. Why in the world would someone think they can live somewhere for free?! So now we have to evict them. I wish they would move out without a problem.
Our van demanded a new hose assembly to the tune of almost $900. Really, when it rains, it pours.
The last couple of weeks included a busy dance schedule, teacher appreciation week, doctor appointments, and more. Normally, this is just my life. One that fascinates and amazes even me but it made me feel like I was slowly sinking in a sea of madness, stress, and self-loathing.
I am slowly getting back to where the world doesn't feel like it's on my shoulders. In fact, a friend wrote, "don't forget who is holding you when you see one set of footprints." I'm glad G-d didn't answer that prayer but G-d sure thinks I can handle a lot. Yet I know it's a lot less than other people deal with every day. It could be so much worse and sadly, that is what has kept me going. I hope He keeps holding me.