Contradictions

Last night I had a tough time falling asleep. My mind kept wandering to how my body has contradicted me in the past. For three years I "tried" to conceive without any luck. Then as we were actively involved in the adoption process, I found out I was pregnant. It was such a contradiction of feelings - I was elated to be pregnant and heartbroken to turn my back on a child.
Then my body betrayed me with every pregnancy. Each baby came sooner than the previous sibling, making their arrivals frightening.
Now I am near the end of my 37th year of life and while I've lost weight, more pounds defy me and cling to my body. It's beyond frustrating.
As a child, I enjoyed playing sports but I wasn't overly athletic. I wanted to be a top athlete but my body would not do what I wanted it to and I always hated that about myself.
While I laid there feeling sorry for myself, I started reading Facebook statuses. I came across a posting by my dear friend and it put things back in perspective. She has been fighting cancer with more grace and strength than I could ever imagine having in my soul. She has been my friend since we were both nannies in Minneapolis - almost 20 years ago. Kate has three beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Kate is my friend who drove 3 hours and spent New Year's Eve with us when I felt like my world was shattering around me. She is THAT kind of friend.
Today I am angry and sad, for lack of other words. She is spending the day processing information that another tumor has formed in her brain. I hate cancer. I hate that cancer is in her body and that her body is defying her. I hate this lack of control.