Lonely moments

I recently read a blog entry by Flappiness Is. She has a 3 year old son on the spectrum and finally had an event that felt "normal". She could sit back and let other people watch her son without the stares or questions. She was with people who understood what she is going through with her son. When I read her blog, I felt like she was looking into my soul. She has an amazing gift with words. I wish she lived closer because I think we would hang out and be buddies. (you know, with all that time we both have..) I've been feeling extremely unorganized and overwhelmed with things lately. I feel alone even though I know I'm not. It's a desperate and isolating feeling. We are waiting for the school to complete an evaluation process with Alex. We have known for a couple years that something is going with Alex but we don't have a label for it. We want a label so we can understand him and help him succeed. When we are with other children, it is quite evident to me that Alex and Gabriel are not NT. For the record, I am unsure how much longer I'll be able to tolerate hearing, "he's just a 5 year old boy." No, no, he's not. I have some great people in my life here. Some who accept Gabriel for who he is. Why shouldn't they? Most of the time, he's a sweet, fun, and creative child. Yet I can tell that they don't understand. They speak to him like a NT child. They try to have convesations with him like they would another 7 year old and, well, he's not. I take Gabriel to as many events as I can. This past Thursday I took Gabriel to Gatorland on his first grade field trip. I was assigned to another child as well. We walked around with another mother and the two children she was assigned to and it was a nice day. As always, a couple things stood out during the day. Gabriel's best friend helped him unpack his lunch. His friend helps him every day. Gabriel rarely eats though because the cafeteria is too busy, smells too much, etc for him. The child is starving by 3:30! Gabriel squished his GF cookies into many pieces and ate his food contently. Another child made a comment that Gabriel is a gross eater. Poor Gabriel's face fell and he looked like he was going to cry. I was able to remedy the situation but it was at that moment that I remembered, my child isn't normal. He doesn't eat like other kids and other kids can be cruel. Even without those same issues, kids were cruel to me. I remember it well.

Gabriel has loved birds since he was little. The Gatorland birds were no exception. Later in the day, Gabriel's friends went into the little water park. Some of the kids had swim suits and some did not. We weren't planning on going in the water, so I didn't have a suit for Gabriel. He wanted a swimsuit and would not let the idea go. He couldn't. So off we went on an adventure to find a suit or shorts. Gatorland sells swim suits for girls and boys size 12. Gabriel wears a 7/8. I found a pair of teenage girls sleeping shorts and we made them work. What a waste of time and money yet it was the only way to make the situation work. He had a great time once we figured out the swim suit issue. We went to a birthday party for a 2 year old this weekend. The kids had a GREAT time. They raved about it and said that it was the best birthday party ever. My kids have attended a lot of cool parties so this is a big compliment from them.

Our friend went above and beyond the call of duty for our children. She knew which colors to give the kids in their goody bags. She got GF/CF cupcakes for Gabriel. She is amazing and we are grateful to have her in our lives. Throughout the two hour party, I wanted to tell people, "he has autism." I kept chalenging myself and decided not to say anything for the two hours. I don't know who our friend had told but I wanted to see if I could do it. This caused quite an internal struggle for me. Gabriel did well until the food was served. He hid under a table and could not get out to sit with the other kids. My internal struggle now switched to holding back tears. Thankfully no one looked at us funny or I would have been a sobbing mess. Our friend was wonderful - she kneeled down at Gabriel's level and offered him two GF/CF cupcakes. My heart swelled. It wasn't awkward, it was a beautiful moment between our son and our friend who cared enough to take the time to give him his treat. It's these moments that help the lonely feelings. I wish they happened more often but I am grateful for the moments that do come our way.