Depression

I've battled depression for the majority of my life. It isn't something that I talk about easily. Depression has a stigma attached to it and people tend to have their own beliefs and ideas about it. I've heard it all - get out there and exercise, you'll feel better, get a hobby, get a job, get new medication, take a vacation... do, do, do.... Yet, when I'm depressed one of the most difficult things to do is become movitated to change or do anything. It isn't a funk I'm in. It isn't just the blues and I can't do much about it. I've had enough experience to know when I'm going downhill again. Unfortunately it's about once or twice a year. Depression is a contant battle for me. It isn't about realizing the blessing I have or learning to be more grateful. It's a part of me and I have to work on it most days. One thing I hate to do is involve other people. I feel strange reaching out to friends and family members when I'm depressed. I don't know why but I don't want to become another problem in someone else's life. I've been taking anti-depressants off and on for years. A big problem with anti-depression medication is that I have a tough time losing weight on it. It's a crappy side effect and causes a cycle that doesn't help how I am feeling. I feel fat because I can't lose weight on the medication and I'm upset, so I eat food because I'm a comfort eater, so I can't lose the weight that was a problem in the first place. ~sigh~ I am grateful that I have figured out when things are getting worse for me. In my early and mid-20s, this was not the case. I would spiral out of control and would lose any interest in living. On a complete impulse, I took bottles of medication in an attempt to end my life. I signed on the internet and said "good bye" to some internet friends and I will forever be grateful that one of those friends called 9-1-1. I was taken in an ambulance to a local hospital where I experienced charcoal to cleanse my system. And cleanse it did. I am very lucky my stupid act didn't cause any harm to my heart. I spent several days in the hospital figuring out how to make myself better. I am so glad this time of my life is past. If you know me today, you might be reading this and be suprised to read any of it. It's been a journey and a challenge like many other things. I will continue the battle until the day I take my last breath. I can do this.