The umbrella of autism

I sit here paralyzed today. Maybe that is too extreme and melodramatic but I lack energy. I either sit here watching cartoons with Lane or I get up and eat. I realized it's because I've been filling out Aspergers questionaires for Alexander. I can't explain why this is draining the energy from me. It's only three pamphlets to fill out. I've done this many times - first for Gabriel when he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and then when Alex was evaluated by the school this past spring. (what a nightmare) It shouldn't be a big deal, emotionally or physically. I certainly shouldn't feel the need to fill myself with junk food either.I've even explained Alex's behavior to strangers by stating he is on the spectrum. It isn't true. I haven't gotten a label and I don't know if we will get one. As I counted the number of 1's I circled rather than 0's on the Aspbergers Syndrome Diagnostic Scale, I realized that this might be our reality. Sometimes I try to convince myself that Alex is immature or simply a challenge but deep down I know there is something that is inhibiting him from putting his best foot forward. I think this gnawing feeling is that as we get closer to a diagnosis, I can no longer look the other way and put a different reason on his behavior other than Aspbergers (or whatever other label we get). I get the same gut wrenching, nervous twitching feeling that I had when Gabriel was diagnosed when I think about it. We will know more by the end of September. Whether Alex has auditory processing disorder, ASD, ADD, we will deal with it and we will find ways to help him. It's not the worst news but for some reason it will take me time to digest it. I will have to absorb that the "most healthy premature newborn," as the hospital staff called him, isn't so healthy after all. If he is on the spectrum, it will take me a while to comprehend that I have two children with autism.